We are here to experience. Doubts.

Hey Hey Heeey, rollercoaster of thoughts is back at it again.  Thinking about a lot of things recently, but it’s been all too scattered in my brain.

I have been thinking about whether I like my current job and if it’s truly worth the effort, whether I want to be doing something else, but what is something else?! I keep dreaming of doing my own thing, like starting a business a start-up, learning how to code, but I also want to be a “rancho” kind of girl, who grows agaves and makes tequila, lives by the beach in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico.

Sooo many very very different dreams, and at the same time with what is going on in the world I sometimes feel guilty that I have a somewhat inspiring job, that I’m actually good at and I keep growing and succeeding in and that it provides some relative safety for me and my family.

And it’s been a mix-mash of feelings, doubts, thoughts of change… some days I even feel Life itself is pointless, some days I feel on top of the world… I can’t seem to find the balance. So kept trying this mental exercise where I keep telling myself I’m here to experience and yeah I definitely believe we are here to taste the good, the bad, the mild, the inner the outer and the unknown we maybe don’t ever perceive.

Some days all it takes is a nice airy walk in the park, getting fresh air and looking at the sky between the blossoming tree branches, sipping on a coffee before the work day starts. To set the mood you know. Other days it’s not enough.. nothing is enough anymore and yet I’m still here pulling through.

Been having many doubts about many things and it’s been dragging onto me for the past few weeks I can’t seem to shake it off. And then I think about all the billions of people that populate this planet and try to imagine how we’re all connected. Can you imagine?! Being connected with every single one of those 7 something BILLION people out there?! It’s exhausting, but I try to put myself in that perspective from time to time even if for a split second, to try and understand what I’m doing here on this earth, why I’m here .. the world  or existence itself is just too  vast to grasp mentally. 

I wonder how many people think about the world at such a grand scale and try to imagine what other people they don’t even know directly are doing at this very moment on the other side of the continent or the planet.

Why can’t I just stop and look at the flowers and be totally absent from all of it for a moment? But conscious at the same time.. hard to say.

I have no idea what I’m doing, what I want to be doing in the future, why I’m doing what I’m doing, don’t think anyone really does have any idea either, maybe they just think or imagine that they do as a mechanism to keep moving fwd.

Meh. I’m having a “Meh” day, “Meh” week, maybe even a “Meh” life; at least that’s what it feels like today. I’m here to experience the “Meh”-ness today I guess :)