When will life stop bothering you?

Oh hey there you. Been MIA on here for so long it’s hard to even gather my shit. I gathered scraps of notes and voice memos here and there, but have been too scattered in the brain to put them down on a virtual piece of paper.

It’s been too many things going on with my emotions as well as trying to stay focused with stressful days at the “real job”. 

So, the other day I took a loooong satisfying walk to move my body, clear my mind and figure some things out. I was walking around and a bunch of flashes in the form of images or words, sprinkled with song lyrics and melodies mashed up in my head all gathered around this one main question: “Why am I so bothered by living?” 

I mean in general, why do we all sometimes seem to feel like life is bothering us? This thing isn’t working well at work, or this try failed, I messed up my nail polish on one finger.. and now I’m bothered, annoyed and like, why is all of this even bothering me? What is the point?

Throughout the past week and a half I’ve felt weirdly anxious without any reason. My body felt racing, anxious, couldn’t focus but for no apparent rational reason and yesterday I was trying to figure out why. Why am I physically and mentally bothered by things around me, or things that don’t work the way I expected them to?

And then I always answer myself, when I get like this with “Well, remember you’re here to experience this. You’re here to experience this mild back pain from walking for 3 hours.. You’re here to experience crapping your nail-polish (so you can just wipe it off and start over)”

Then I realized I am bothered by things that don’t really matter… I mean what really even matters so much that it can change the chemicals in your body and your overall mood, or disturb your sleep? And in-between this “I’m bothered../Why am I bothered?” and “We’re here to experience...” I got a grip on myself yesterday and got my thoughts and plans straight. I’m here to have fun and enjoy myself, I’m not here to wait for this thing I planned for next month to happen, or this big move that is supposed to happen in the following months… I’m here to do what I’ve woken up for today, which is LIVE, EXPERIENCE. 

And yes, of course you can recognize the feeling and the emotions, not squash them, but it’s also important to ask yourself why your body doesn’t feel right, why your mind is scattered, and you feel annoyed, triggered, on the edge with everything going on around? 

There’s no black or white truth here, but having these internal discussions with ourselves or with others I think can close the gap on what we actually want to feel like, our current conditions, and how our bodies and minds respond. In my life, honestly sometimes the 3 categories look like 3 completely different people who have nothing in common; disjointed and nonsensical.

When the tide is high all you can do is ride it, no point in trying to break it or stop it, right? You’re not getting to shore any faster, nor preventing drowning any more either….